I’m partial to the school of thought which purports that the subconscious mind is where it’s at. Buried deep beneath the layers of rationality lies the truth. This truth often reveals itself in our dreams. Pretty basic Psych 101 stuff. However, my subconscious mind could learn a thing or two from my conscious mind, things about leaving people in the past and moving on.
Last night, more like in the wee hours of this morning, I had a dream so intense, so real, it made me wonder if I had spent an hour or two traveling through a parallel universe. The central characters were a person I knew well and me, myself, and I. My intense, middle-of-the-night dreams tend to be surrealistic masterpieces. Dali would be proud. Last night’s dream, however, wasn’t whimsical and bizarre. It was straight out of what could have happened.
Doesn’t seem all that bad so far. Well, the entire situation with this person is one from which I am moving on in my conscious life. Our relationship is irreparable, at least in his eyes. I’ll likely never see or speak to him again. Twenty years of everything you can imagine, someone I thought would be there ’til the end. You get the picture. Ah, but I have overcome my struggle and made significant progress in terms of moving forward. I’m at the point that, while I will always wonder about him, I can accept not having him in my life. He is the past. My conscious mind has done a find job of convincing me it’s time to let go.
And then my subconscious mind took over. All-powerful, not-so-fast-with-the-moving-on. I’m almost afraid to go to sleep. I don’t want to continue watching the series, as touching as the first episode was. Not to go into every last detail of the dream, but it was sweet. The backdrop was rainy, steel gray, almost Blade Runner-like. Sweet, really. We were in a familiar place, near the Burnside Bridge, on the east side. At some point, we ended up in my apartment. That part wasn’t real, since I’ve lived in a house for almost 15 years. My dream apartment had the same dark gray urban grittiness.
The moment in this nighttime excursion into the depths of my being which has stuck with me, all day, is the moment he hugged me and told me everything was going to be alright. It felt so real. I can’t shake the feeling. I want to shake the feeling. The feeling is interfering with my conscious life. I want to take my subconscious mind aside and introduce it to my conscious mind.
There are other details about the dream, much too personal to share. Just know they added to the realism of the whole shebang. No frolicking with unicorns through green hills in this dream. Just raw emotion.
A part of me is grateful for the dream. Maybe I can hold onto it, remember the good moments we shared. Yet, I don’t know if I want to. Seems like that would only keep me clinging to the past.
It’s a little past midnight. Time to turn off the screen light. Time to wander into dreamland, again. I hope my subconscious mind explores magical, fanciful, unreal things tonight. I don’t want another visit from him in my dreams. I don’t want to return to that parallel universe. Perhaps on some level I do, but I can’t. I need to be fully present in this universe, this reality, moving forward. Without him.