Don’t Look Back… Well, Maybe A Peek

I’ve been barreling head on into the future. At work, my contract position turned into a permanent one. I’m once again hyperfocused on work, for better or worse. Just means less time to write, or perhaps I need to make the time. The rainiest rainy season in forever is hopefully coming to a close. Tomorrow is supposed to be 80 degrees and sunny. Hm. Funny because this evening is very autumnal. Drippy rain, dark, and an autumn chill in the air, even though it’s May. In any case, I’m pretty sure we’re nearing the end. Long, warm, star-filled nights await.

After the past four years of ups and downs – nah, let’s make that eight – I’m feeling like a true survivor. I was hurt like I never imagined I would be. My heart was shattered into a million shards. I glued and taped the shards back together, on my own, with much work. However, my heart doesn’t feel as whole as it did. Life scars. Yet, I’m moving on. And I still have my sense of humor. No one will ever take that away from me.

I’m trying my best not to look back. The other day, I thought to myself, he’s part of my past and that’s it. Our pasts are made up of bits and pieces, and he’s just another bit or piece. As someone who can complicate anything, looking at something that occupied so much of my life in such simple terms, well, it’s calming.

I enjoy being in “I Will Survive” mode. I feel empowered, confident, ready to keep powering in to the future. Then I tell myself, “Why not just take a peek.” See what he’s up to. Social media grabs me by the hand and leads me there. Pictures of him being happy with someone else, which I already knew about. He would have never posted pictures with me. All his privacy yadda, yadda. No. It was just me.

As I examine the pictures, it dawns on me that I can look at them somewhat devoid of emotion now, as an innocent bystander. For a few minutes at least. I wonder if he pulls the same stuff with her as he did with me. Can she just handle it better, or is he a completely different human in her presence? What difference does it make? Does he think about me? Oh, of course he does. He just blocked me from one of his accounts, even though we haven’t communicated in months. I’m in his head, he hasn’t forgotten about me. Is it sad that I see this as a small victory? I mean, we all know he’s thinking about me in a negative light if he took the time to block me.

At a certain point, I find myself getting bored with the questions and wondering. None of it matters. He is a bit and piece of my past. Perhaps there is some benefit in taking a peek at the past. I don’t necessarily want to forget it. How could I? What I really want is to be bored with the painful memories. He knows what happened, I know what happened. I’m learning to take satisfaction in knowing he knows what happened. He knows.

I think I’ll get some superglue to repair those broken shards of my heart. Cracked, but staying together in one piece. This afternoon, I noticed Funtastic trailers and port-a-potties in Waterfront Park. Cinco de Mayo is the first downtown fun festival of the season. Summer is on the way.

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