I haven’t written an entry in so long. I’ve tried several times, but the brain block is there. I have things to say, yet they seem like the same old musings. And life has a pesky way of getting in the way. I’ve been working at a job for almost a year, and while the pay is good, the job is a big bundle of stress. Not what I was looking for when I ventured out in the world from my previous, long-term somewhat stressful job.
Perhaps age is catching up with me, or the stress is getting to be too much, or a wicked combination of both, but my body has been failing me. Serious back pain for the first time in my life. The headaches of my 20s have returned. I can’t stay awake past 9 PM, yet wake up at 2:00 in the morning on most work days. Time for another life change, me thinks. No one else is going to do it for me, so I might as well make the change myself. Job change is the easy part.
Now for a more difficult type of change – changing the thoughts that spin around in my active brain. I need to just turn it off every now and then. I’m doing better today. The cool, rainy weather makes it easier to relax on the couch, watching Virtual Fireplace on YouTube while listening to my 70s Folk Radio station on Pandora. (I started off with Peaceful Holidays; a bit too early for that.) Two hampers filled to the rim with laundry are staring at me, wondering why I haven’t started my usual Sunday laundry party. Maybe in a few hours, maybe not at all. I just cleaned the bathroom last Sunday – why do I have to clean it today? It can wait another week. I feel like giving myself a break today. The extra hour due to the end of Daylight Saving Time has actually made me feel lazier.
The aforementioned insomnia struck last night. Rare on a Saturday night. I had the usual obsessive work thoughts. Once I was done with those, my mind wandered to relationships, specifically those with the menfolk. Friend, companion, whatever, I have had an awful tendency to wrap myself up with individuals who think they can mansplain the world to me, point out my deficiencies, and then expect me to talk to them the next day like nothing happened. I don’t know what it is about me – tenuous self-esteem, probably – that draws these types into my universe. These days, I’m happiest living alone and not being in a relationship. Plain and simple. Took me a long time to figure out plain and simple, however. Still, I have things to learn, and I slip from time to time.
Introspection has brought me to that place where I analyze and deconstruct my greatest heartbreak a little too much. Overall, I have successfully moved on, and realize we both contributed to that disaster. Rarely is it ever the fault of one person. However, I still think about our relationship more than I ought to. Perhaps that’s just the way it is. Since we are not on speaking terms and likely never will be again, certainly for the best, I have no idea what he thinks about our situation and the way it ended. I know, I know. Just focus on me and my thoughts. I can’t help but wonder if he feels any regret, any desire to make peace. Knowing him as I do, I doubt it.
(Slightly amusing related story. A few weeks ago, I received a postage due notice from the Post Office. I was half-hoping he had written me a long letter and didn’t affix enough stamps. My heart was a little disappointed when I picked up the item, and it was related to a financial matter. Why would he send me a freakin’ letter? C’est la vie.)
Why should I want to make peace with someone who treated me like crap at the end? I can walk away without smoothing things over. Just leave, mentally. See, no matter how far I’ve come, I still have things to work on. Seems like a never ending process sometimes.
I’ve been listening to the song “Iridescent” by Linkin Park a lot lately. I really like, and can relate to, the dramatic, stirring part where they sing, “Let it go…” I feel the need to let it go. Seems to be such an easy solution, but is obviously life’s greatest challenge.
So there ya have it – random seasonal introspection. I’m thinking I’ll do my laundry on Tuesday night. A couple of little naps seem like a good idea this afternoon. I have a mildly annoying sinus pressure headache, likely caused by sneezing triggered by dust from the vents. It was so cold this morning, I had to turn on the furnace for the first time since last April. I haven’t had a chance to change the filter, hence the dust. Although, there is something cozy about the smell of burning furnace vent dust.
My body is going into seasonal food craving mode. Domino’s sounds like a plan, although that would mean putting on a bra. Hm. Maybe I’ll stick with leftover Mushroom Stroganoff. This morning, I was pondering an anti-inflammatory diet. Right before the holidays? Brilliant idea!
Blankets, pillows, hot chocolate, food, music, and Kindle books. Sounds like a perfect November afternoon. Just don’t let me get too lost in seasonal introspection.